'Friends'

 
I posted a status on my Facebook page the other day about people who go from daily contact as a 'friend' to almost no contact.  It stirred a flurry of comments - quite funny actually.  

And it got me thinking about friends.  I don't have very many.  Never have been one who is surrounded by friends.  Often was surrounded by people but not friends.  Plus I'm a total introvert so being surrounded by people (friends or not) exhausts me completely.  However, I digress.  

I used to walk Bailey every day in the neighbourhood because he couldn't bear going anywhere in the car.  So our neighbourhood became our stomping grounds.  I still walk Dillon in the neighbourhood, although not quite as much since he loves the car and we can travel further afield to investigate & explore.  But tonight was a neighbourhood walk.  As we walked I looked at the familiar houses and felt a kind of 'friendship' to the people living in some of them.  Which is odd since I don't know them at all.  Then again many of my Facebook friends are quite unknown to me too so perhaps it isn't as odd in this day & age. 

Take the house with the wonderful floor to ceiling bookshelves.  They seldom draw their blinds and so as I walk by I look at the books and wonder what they like to read.  I also wonder why I never see anyone in that room.  There's the house that has a wonderfully manicured front lawn.  I watched the progress as the young couple bought it and began their remodeling.  They removed most of the grass and replaced it with interlocking stone, some flower beds, lights which shine up at the big maple tree and a flag that changes with the seasons.  There's a new owner there now.  One who drives a Corvette.  I wonder what changes I'll see in the house over the next few months.  

I am blessed to live in a neighbourhood with many large beautiful trees. But sadly there seems to be a bit of a pattern because a few weeks ago I noticed that a tree had simply 'disappeared' within a few days.  Honestly, if you hadn't known that the huge oak tree had been in the backyard of the corner lot you'd never have know it was now gone.  And tonight I walked by two homes where large trees have been cut down in recent days.  Should be a law against that.  Actually, I think there is.  

then, there's the house where the 'dog lady' lives.  I call her that because her van has a company name on it - some kind of doggy day care apparently.  tonight the dog lady's house was ablaze with Christmas lights.  It appears that she's in competition with the Griswold's.  It's a really small house that's been decorated within an inch of its space ---- lights, Santa, reindeer, candy canes - you name it, she's got it.  Merry Christmas to all.  Hate to see her electricity bill!

I don't know any of these people but, walking by and looking at their homes I glimpse briefly into their lives and feel a warm sense of camaraderie with my neighbours. 

That was before, of course, that damn little dog tried to rip Dillon's throat out!! Yikes, watch out for terriers.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN MY OWN SALVATION

Edison Pena, perhaps the most famous of the rescued Chilean miners, travelled to New York to appear on the David Letterman show and to participate in the New York marathon.  He was also treated to a visit to Graceland after it became known that he was a big Elvis fan.  In order to remain healthy while trapped underground he ran 3 - 6 miles every day listening to Elvis on his ipod.

According to the early interviews he found the first days following the mine collapse to be a ‘living hell’ but then he picked himself up and decided to run at least 3 miles every day.

In an interview I heard with him – through his translator, the only English he can speak are the words to Elvis songs! – he said something that I found to be extremely profound.  Something I have thought much about since I heard it.

"I was running to show that I wasn't just waiting around," he said. "I was running to be an active participant in my own salvation. I was running because I was also contributing to the struggle for our rescue.  I also wanted God to see that I really wanted to live."

“….. an active participant in my own salvation.”

A philosophy that would, in my opinion, benefit each of us.  Certainly one that I intend to embrace.  Become an active participant in my own salvation.

God will not be distracted

I reconnected recently with a friend. It's been about 8 years since we spoke and now she lives in one city and I in an other. It happened 'accidentally' when she selected my name on Facebook instead of someone with a very similar name.

We started trading emails back and forth, reminiscing of days past and people we knew; some who've died, others we've both lost touch with,others who one or the other of us has kept in touch with. We've been updating each other, filling in blanks, sharing memories and news.

As we talked we also shared our favorite poems and quotes and one I mentioned was from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, titled 'Separation from Those we Love'.

I realized, when I searched for it to share with my friend, that I had only ever known part of the writing - the part he called 'first' - but there are three more parts to it of which I wasn't aware. Three parts which contain a powerful message, particularly valuable to me at this point in my life. I'd always thought of this writing as being about death and, in fact, had used it when my dad died. But when you read all four parts it becomes apparent that it can also be about the loss of friendship and that is what I dealt with this past summer.

My friend wrote in one communication "I believe in no accidents in life" and I think perhaps she's right. Perhaps it was not an accident that we reconnected, that I searched for and discovered something that is reassuring and comforting, that I have a rekindled friendship just as one has faded away.

I believe that there are no coincidences - that a coincidence is, in actuality, God's way of trying to get our attention. I think that's what this all is. 

Here's the treatise in its entirety

Separation from Those we Love

First: nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love, and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; he doesn’t fill it, but on the contrary, he keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain.

Secondly: the dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves. We must take care not to wallow in our memories or hand ourselves over to them, just as we do not gaze all the time at a valuable present, but only at special times, and apart from these keep it simply as a hidden treasure that is ours for certain. In this way the past gives us lasting joy and strength.

Thirdly: times of separation are not a total loss or unprofitable for our companionship, or at any rate they need not be so. In spite of all the difficulties that they bring, they can be the means of strengthening fellowship quite remarkably.

Fourthly: I’ve learnt here especially that the facts can always be mastered, and that difficulties are magnified out of all proportion simply by fear and anxiety. From the moment we wake until we fall asleep we must commend other people wholly and unreservedly to God and leave them in his hands, and transform our anxiety for them into prayers on their behalf:

With sorrow and with grief…

God will not be distracted.

~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The Invitation

This summer I performed a wedding for a young couple who had experienced a major life altering incident some months earlier.  The bride-to-be had been close to death in hospital just weeks after the grooms' mother had died.  They asked that the following be the reading at their ceremony.  It was quite lovely.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
For your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have been touched by the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life's betrayals
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
Without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own;
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of
your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from ITS presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. 

     --- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

are you still carrying her?

Years ago I heard the following story at a motivational business seminar. It stuck with me and I've used it many times.  It's called 'Muddy Road'


"Tanzan and Ekido were once travelling together down a muddy road.  A heavy rain was falling.  Coming around a bend they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.  'Come on girl' said Tanzan at once.  Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.  Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple.  Then he could no longer restrain himself.  'We monks don't go near females' he said to Tanzan, 'especially not young and lovely ones.  It is dangerous.  Why did you did that?'


"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"

The Summer of 2010

Even though I haven't had school age children for many years I still tend to think of the day after Labour Day as the start of a new year.  Far more than January 1st, September is the beginning for me.

And thank God for that because I'm so thankful that this summer is finally over and a new year is about to begin.

I started the new calendar year - December 31st actually - by getting a puppy.  Bailey was a 3 month old Golden Retriever when I first met him and I fell in love the moment I first hugged him.

Bailey was my first puppy.  Our previous dogs were adults we got from the pound.  But awe thought that a puppy would be easier to assimilate him into a family of cats which is how Bailey came to join our family.  So how'd that go???  Not so well, but it didn't really matter - Bailey ruled the roost - over the four cats and my son's Lab.  

I learned a lot about bringing up a puppy.  I learned that puppies pee an enormous amount!  I learned that they have very sharp teeth and that they like to chew.  I also learned that Golden Retrievers like to eat things and so "leave it" was a phrase I used a lot with Bailey.  We got pretty good at putting things away and keeping them out of his reach. 

Unfortunately, we didn't realize that he was tearing pieces off his blanket and eating them.   Nor that he had gotten one of those rope toys totally unravelled and partially swallowed.  One of those pieces - blanket or rope, the docs never figured it out - blocked his small intestine.  After three unsuccessful surgeries we had to let him go. 

We had taken him to the OVC in Guelph for the final two surgeries.  They, everyone at OVC but particularly Dr. Michelle Oblak, were amazing.  They tried their best to save Bailey, but when they couldn't they helped us to give him a good death.  Dr. Oblak - Michelle as she came to be known to me - had settled Bailey on top of a large, white, lambswool blanket and then covered him with another blanket before we came into the exam room.  He tried his best to stand up when we came into the room but it was beyond him.  He lay back down on the mat and I sat beside him.  After I said my goodbyes Michelle gave him the final injection; I held him in my arms - all 75 pounds of him - as his Bailey-ness left his body.  My beautiful boy.

Bailey had his first surgery on August 3rd and we said goodbye on August 11th.  During those 9 days I also found myself struggling with the realization that a friendship I had valued for about 15 years was over.  Not only that, I felt that the entire 15 years had been based on deception and duplicity. That loss - both of the real friendship and what I had believed to be the friendship - felt like a death.  And then to lose Bailey a few days later was almost too much. Two deaths - one literal, one figurative.  I was desperately sad. 

After Bailey's death at only 11 months old, I honestly didn't think that I would ever get another dog.  I seemed to be facing too much loss and I simply didn't think that I could risk loving and possibly losing yet again. I was so, so sad. 

I missed my beautiful boy so much and, although I didn't think of replacing him, I realized that I needed another dog.

So I got Dillon.  A 7 week old Irishdoodle.  I couldn't see myself getting another Golden Retriever - it would seem almost 'insulting' to Bailey.  As if I was replacing him.  I know he was "just a dog" but he was MY dog and I wanted to honour his memory.  So another Golden Retriever wasn't an option.  But I came across a litter of Irishdoodle's on kijiji and .... the rest is history.

Dillon means 'faithful companion' (Bailey got his name because he ran towards a Bailey's Irish Cream bottle instead of a bell - otherwise he would have been named Belvedere!!!).  I still miss my beautiful boy but I do love Dillon.

So, a new year begins tomorrow and while Bailey's memory lives within me (and I still call Dillon 'Bailey' lots of times) I'm not quite so sad as I was a month ago.  

 

The Parable of the two wolves ....

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves that dwell inside each and everyone of us.

“One is Evil.

It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good.

It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather:

“Which wolf will win ?”

The old Cherokee simply replied:

“The one you feed.”